So the story today is that a Dodger(s) peed in the D-Backs pool, according to a report from Tony Jackson. And because it involves the Dodgers/D-Backs Poolgate controversy, this has gotten picked up by a bunch of outlets. Thus, we now have Peegate.
In the past 48 hours, however, I have talked to various people about this subject. And I have come to the conclusion — a much better-informed conclusion this time — that I was dead wrong.
The reason I am doing an about-face here is that it has come to my attention that one of the Dodgers players who jumped in the pool — and I will do him the favor of leaving his name out of this for now — openly and loudly bragged after leaving the pool about having urinated in it.
To me, that takes this to a whole different place. It takes it from a giddy, spontaneous celebration to an ugly, disgusting display of utter classlessness.
For my part, it doesn’t change that much. Assuming it’s true, then yeah, it’s worse than before, but I always assumed it was meant to be a slap in the face to the D-Backs. The whole point was that them complaining about the slap in the face was hilarious to me considering their own actions.
Of course, at the time, Tony thought that it was just spontaneous fun, so he backtracked severely. And unfortunately he went into like hyper-offended moralizing mode for like three paragraphs as a result. Plus, I’m not so sure how the team will react to this news being put out there, especially if this was just a misunderstanding (probably not well!).
But whatever, that’s not the point.
THE POINT IS THAT NOW I CAN WRITE A POST ABOUT PISSING ODDS
OFFSHUL POOLGATE PEEGATE ODDS
Yasiel Puig – 40%
Because EVERYTHING is Puig’s fault. Why not this? Also, even though I obviously like him, I can admit that he’s sort of insane, so this would fit. In fact, this is mild, I’m surprised he didn’t bring an actual diamondback rattlesnake out on the field, kill it, and drink its blood in front of the D-Backs dugout to establish dominance.
Also, this would fit perfectly with his heel turn now that Bryce Harper has gone soft/media stopped caring.
Nick Punto – 10%
Punto was the first one out to the pool and doesn’t he just look like he would be a frat bro that would piss in the beer bong for fun? Yes, yes he does.
Ronald Belisario – 5%
Anything that involves a party, lots of alcohol, and peeing … my money is on Beli being involved.
Zack Greinke – 5%
I’m not even sure he was at the pool, nor am I sure he was even around the stadium during the celebration. He was likely hiding by the stairs alerting nobody and going weapons free on the D-Backs’ treasured … water. Then when asked, he copped to it, because he doesn’t care about human emotions.
Also, he will kill you while you sleep.
Dee Gordon – 5%
Gordon already looks like he’s about eight, and eight-year-olds piss the bed, so it’s understandable that he would piss the pool after being around alcohol for the first time.
Hyun Jin Ryu – 3%
He was secretly doing soju shots in the corner of the locker room and just lost bladder control. More evidence to support is the fact that he was one of the last ones out to the pool and that he was exhausted upon arriving.
D-Backs forgive him because he’s like a cartoon bear.
Michael Young – 1%
Holding out hope for this because the world would IMPLODE, much like him standing on top of the pool to begin with.
People justified the Dodgers pool party LITERALLY on the grounds that he was out there with them (hi Rick Sutcliffe). He is magic.
False Flag – 1%
THIS WAS A GUBMENT CONPSIRACY AND THE D-BACKS PLANTED A MOLE TO FEED TONY JACKSON FALSE AUDIO AND PLANTED DNA PEE IN THE POOL SO HE COULD CONFIRM!
TONY DUN GOOFED – 15%
He doesn’t go into a lot of details, but he says he absolutely knows that it happened on Twitter. How? I’m not sure, but if he indeed only heard a player said it, there’s a great chance that they were just speaking in machismo.
I don’t normally know Jackson to be that lazy, so I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt here.
The Field – 15%*
Brandon League out of jealousy for Kenley Jansen? Scott Van Slyke because it’s how they did it back in the Old West? Onelki Garcia so he could feel connected with his teammates? YOU DECIDE!
*Does not include Brian Wilson who was busy getting high on his beard in the clubhouse.
BUT THAT’S NOT ALL!
There also are indications that MULTIPLE Dodgers players urinated into the pool, but I can’t tell you that with any certainty. It’s just what I’ve heard.
It could be multiple players! Which means there’s ample opportunity for you to hit on a parlay.
What if this was disgusting team bonding? Isn’t it pointless to get offended when said player just PISSED ON HIS TEAMMATES?! What if this was all a prank on late arriving Ryu? These are the important questions.
Somebody tell Vegas to set this up.